Journal - 10/10/2011

Where have I gone off to? This total lack of ambition, this void in my mind of ambition and drive…. It is killing me slowly inside. So many things in this world to want and to strive for, yet I want nothing but to lay my head down and sleep. Why am I feeling this way, when just the other day… Just the other day there were so many things to look forward to, there was so much to live for, and now all I feel is emptiness and worthlessness. Why bother with the struggle when things no longer seem worth struggling for?

All I want is to lay my head down and sleep.

I am worthless, I am nothing – I have been told so many times, and meant to think this so many times, that for my mind there is no other choice but to believe.

And as I think these words, my throat binds as if to relieve its swelling pain I must cry. But I told myself so many times never again, never again would I cry over the past – the things that are too late to regret, the things I cannot change and cannot seem to forget.

And as I type these thoughts, an immense swelling is present in my throat, which no matter how hard I try I cannot swallow its pain.

The past has elapsed, the present is now, and the future is happening. But I seem to stand still in this tunnel of time:  Stuck in a rut of the past, while reaching for a grasp on reality.

I remember the details of everything that upsets me all over again. I forget what makes me happy and what I have to live for. In this standstill I go over and over the last few years. I feel over and over again the guilt that I will never be good enough, the sting of hurtful words, the trauma of what should have been the best time of my life.

The year I hate to remember. But closure is closure. And maybe I just need to put it all down in words. Maybe then I will stop remembering over and over. Maybe then I will be free from the binds of my past. And maybe, just maybe, I will feel good again.